"Return to Me"

with Minnie Driver & David Duchovny

Viewed June 9, 2001

This was a usual kind of romance with a very unusual premise to it: A man (David Duchovny, who was drooled over by all the women in the group tonight) falls in love with a woman (Minnie Driver), and only later do they learn that they are connected to each other in ways that neither one of them suspected. Everyone in the group was pleased to have watched the flick, so I guess we'd have to say it got "thumbs up" from us.

Since we had a smaller group than normal tonight (is summertime here already?), each of us had a chance to participate more than usual in the discussion. We started out by reviewing the ways that our feelings about romance have changed over the years (Question 6), with one participant saying how he used to try to be "spiritual" all the time and ignore/transcend sexuality and romance, and how he has come to view romance more as a normal part of life, though he still has some reluctance to believe in Hollywood-type romances where very few problems exist (like in the movie). However, he did admit later on that he's currently in a relationship where there seem to be very few problems.

We talked about how several of us have ignored information and "looked the other way" when we've been in love (Question 3), and how we're now trying to see our romantic partners more clearly and accurately, without letting our fantasies get in the way of our rational assessment of them. But we agreed that we're not always successful in accomplishing that.

Several people commented on how strongly bonded we've sometimes gotten with people (lovers and otherwise) right off the bat (Question 5), and that they liked the explanation that our souls have known each other before (either in past lives or else somehow prior to being born), and that we've got something to be learning together or some other way in which we've all agreed to grow with each other's help. That seemed to work as an explanation even when the initially-strong connection later fell apart (like in a marriage that later ended).

Finally, we talked about how being around people who aren't interested in learning about their own inner emotional/psychological processes can stifle our ability to ask ourselves the hard questions about who we are and what our life is about. We agreed on the importance of supportive, passionate community (Question 4) in helping us grow and in keeping us from feeling unworthy and low self-esteem because we're so "different." As one participant said, "Being ourselves is not an easy thing to do."


  1. What defenses do I put up to keep people from knowing who I am?
  2. What kinds of information do I hide from others because of my fear of being judged?
  3. How do I know if I'm in love with the reality of a person, or my fantasy?
  4. In what parts of my life have I experienced passionate community?
  5. Why am I scared of losing people I love?
  6. How have my views of and feelings about romance changed over the years?