We basically ended up discussing one question tonight: Question #6. Sometimes there is so much to say about a subject that it just goes on and on. We took a look at what we were taught in movies: that true-love relationships are always good, there are never any problems and everyone lives happily ever after.
If I have a true love and it doesn't work out, then obviously I must have been wrong, and I have to find a NEW one-true-love. Insidiously, our thinking becomes black or white. There's lots of conditionality in fairy tale love. "Gotta' live in a big house, have two cars, and if that is not true, then I'm outta' here." If we believe in a one-true-love, we tend to think in a black-or-white way instead of knowing and accepting and loving the person for who they are, in all their unique individuality.
Bob stated that he believes in 'truth love' instead of 'true love', as a relationship based on truth is more likely to survive.
If I am looking to fulfill all my dreams by placing all of the responsibility onto one person, how long can that last?
Pam expounded on her belief that a lot of people marry or get together with someone like the parent they still have issues with. That's what she did. She lived with and dated a number of guys who were perfectionists, critical and uncommunicative like her father.
Unresolved issues seem to eventually work themselves out, one way or another, because they usually surface in close, intimate relationships and so we have to face them. As the issues are encountered, we can slowly change into an adult, unless our parental baggage hangs around in the background and makes our decisions for us.
Bob, commenting on 'happily ever after,' mentioned that we are not the same person at the age of 20, 40 or 60. But "ever after" implies we're going to be the same person -- and so is our sweetie -- for ever after, and that's just not true.
Here were some comments and thought-provoking questions that were raised (and only partially answered!) during the discussion:
Are you willing to go to the core and get deeper?
The things that come up in my relationships are not necessarily what I wanted, but they often are the things that helped me grow the most.
Incurable romantic. Are you one?
Being able to talk through things honestly. Sameness can for awhile feel safe, but after awhile it can be deadly. Difference can be very good for a relationship.
What is romantic for you?
(This video was reviewed by Pam Chambers)
Feel free to come and share your own personal insights sometime; the Saturday Night Video and Discussions here in Austin, Texas are a lot of fun and fascinating. (They're free, too.) Here are the questions the group came up with, based on the personal growth themes in the movie: